Controversy is swirling around the U.S. women’s soccer team because of their poor eating habits.
VANCOUVER, CANADA – Minutes after the U.S. women’s soccer team handed top-ranked Germany a 2-0 loss on Tuesday evening, American forward Alex Morgan exchanged jerseys with German striker Alexandra Popp. It’s a customary tradition in the world of soccer, but as she headed into her locker room Popp noticed something unusual covering the American jersey – chocolate stains.
“It smelled like some sort of chocolate milk,” Popp told reporters at a press conference following the game.
Those stains have led to an investigation by the media and FIFA, the governing body of soccer, to look more closely at the diet of the women’s team. And what they found is disturbing.
“Since their opening 3-1 win over Australia on June 8, it’s come to our attention that the U.S. team has been eating lots of junk food,” said outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter. “It’s not healthy for the game and it’s not healthy for the players.”
Blatter said that Gatorade jugs on the sidelines have tested positive for Yoo-hoo, a high calorie chocolate beverage drink that has been shown to lead to obesity and high blood pressure. And higher-than-normal traces of Twinkie filling has been found on Hope Solo’s goalkeeper gloves.
After each of the team’s previous six World Cup victories, players have been seen celebrating by lighting up candy cigarettes in their locker room. And it only gets worse.
Following the team’s 1-0 win over China in the quarterfinals, stadium officials complained that they had to clean up hundreds of empty Doritos bags, Skittles, Kit Kat and Snickers wrappers, OREO boxes and Cadbury Creme Egg packages found along the U.S. team’s bench. Sources say it was enough to fill up seven 20-gallon trash buckets.
“That’s deadly,” said nutritionist Dr. Alvin Larsen of Harvard University. “By my calculations every player on the team should be in diabetic shock right now.”
Larsen was disturbed to see footage from the quarterfinal game in which midfielder Carli Lloyd celebrated her game-winning goal over China by running to the sidelines, stealing an uneaten Big Mac from a fan and eating it in three bites before quickly returning to play. “She’s not even chewing,” Larsen said in utter disgust.
Apparently, he’s not the only one disgusted. First lady Michelle Obama, a proponent of healthy eating, chastised the team for the example it is setting for America’s youth. On Friday, she reached out to US coach Jill Ellis, expressing her concerns over the team’s diet that is heavy on sugar and high in saturated fats. She later faxed the team a suggested diet consisting primarily of barley, legumes and fresh vegetables, all foods that would replenish their energy and improve their fitness.
Whether Ellis is listening to the first lady is unclear, but reports say the team has continued its destructive habits. Last night, sources confirmed that several star players, including defender Julie Johnston, forward Abby Wambach and captain Christie Rampone, were seen at the Vancouver 7-Eleven on Robson Street, devouring dozens of Choco Tacos, all-dressed potato chips and mini-chocolate frosted donuts.
This morning, Coach Ellis refused to comment on the controversy swirling around her squad which could be seen eating stacks of triple-chocolate chip pancakes inside the team’s dressing room. “I have nothing to say,” she said as she wiped syrup off her chin, before loudly letting out a belch and slamming the door in the faces of dozens of reporters.
Real Straight Talk 